What Betrayal Taught Me
What Betrayal Taught Me
Betrayal. Somehow we all think it will never happen to us. Yet, it is guaranteed to happen. It’s almost part of the earth “package deal” that we signed up for as a Spirit. Somewhere somehow, people in your life will tell you one thing, and turn around and do the total opposite – in the worst most deliberate ways possible.
There is that famous saying: “The sad thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies”. Unknown
For most of us the betrayal comes in different forms, frequencies and sizes. I have seen people bounce back from huge betrayals with miraculous style. I have seen people completely loose their way because they couldn’t get over a “small” betrayal. I think in that lies the complexity. Betrayal is very personal thing and it looks different for everyone. What seems like betrayal for one person might not seem like a big issue to someone else at all. It is easy to forget it is subjective to the person who experienced it, and it is exasperated by the individual’s past. Therefore it is the worst thing in the world for someone hurting when their pain is dismissed, minimised or simply scoffed off. It’s almost like a double betrayal to the receiver. It’s like kicking someone who is already on the floor. And that cruelty I have also seen and experienced more than once in my life.
Pushing someone to “get over it” or saying “it’s not that bad” or “do you think I’ve not been betrayed yet?” or “do you think you are the only person in the world that has experienced betrayal?” are not things that help a bleeding heart. In fact – it makes you contract and isolate from others even more, because you don’t feel heard. You feel even more misunderstood and betrayed by the person you sought help from. Even though this is the subconsciousness, clearly at work – my experience is that everyone is a master of the theory and has clarity on how to overcome the subconsciousness – until they are knocked off center by what they really didn’t see coming. And that little wrecking ball will look different for everyone.
I too have experienced tremendous betrayal, sadly by those who I thought was closest to me. Does that make me a victim? No. Did I feel like a victim for a long time? Absolutely. Did it make me sad? Absolutely. For more than two years I felt like I was permanently bleeding a river through a hole in my chest. Getting over and through that sadness I will admit, was the most difficult thing I’ve had to do in my life thus far.
What about the betrayal had hurt me?
Firstly, because I didn’t expect it from the perpetrators. Secondly, because I gave them unconditional trust – I didn’t see it coming, and even when people warned me about it. I was still naive enough to protect the person(s) in question, saying they will never do something like that to me and they were not that “kind of person”. It took me a very long time to realise that I was angry and upset with myself for letting my guard down. I was angry for giving them so much of my time and attention to show them that I loved them, often at huge personal expense. I felt sick to my stomach and stupid for trusting people so unconditionally. Worse part was that I trusted them, despite being hurt so many times before. I tried to again choose unconditional love and acceptance.
I would say that my biggest struggle has been to fight the constant sadness and feeling of loss which frequently changed colours into bitterness and I had to really fight with every single cell of my being not to let that bitterness overcome me, because I knew somehow this would end in deep dark hole of depression, and ultimately the darker side of the disease.
Even though I can not say that I am 100% healed at this moment in time (not that anyone is), I can start to see the end of the tunnel and I don’t “touch” the wound everyday like I used to. I have managed to find some form of rest and acceptance in how things played out, and I have managed to rebuild my life and my relationships on a different level.
The following realisations brought me to what I now see as a point of progress and evolution:
- if everyone is going through it – then who am I to believe that I would be exempted from experiencing it? So don’t be naive don’t be suspicious but be aware.
- would I make the same choices with what I know in hindsight? Off course not, but I had to walk through that fire to be where I am today – and that I don’t regret.
- it will teach you about boundaries: identifying them, communicating them and reinforcing them.
- it will teach you self respect.
- it will teach you about self love and self forgiveness.
- a very famous Masters of Light endured the ultimate form of betrayal and prosecution by humans, I realised that life was training me for a higher purpose and I could either sit there and bleed, or I could get up and find ways to heal the wounds, in order to reach that destination.
- no one deserves your 100% trust, your discernment is your own responsibility – don’t delegate responsibility of discernment to them by giving anyone all your trust. Trust is earned – and I used to hugely (perhaps naively) disagree with that statement. Current status quo is: trust is earned.
- you can’t go through life distrusting everyone – because then you will continue to live in a cycle of betrayal. At some point – figure out a way to break the cycle. My best advice is: trust but don’t be naive and LISTEN TO YOURSELF AND YOUR GUT but also – listen to other people around you. Looking back, I had many many warning signs and messages from people that I chose to dismiss, which could have saved me a lot of pain and therapy.
- their blatant betrayal says more about them than what it says about you. Through this I realised that for someone to inflict this kind of pain on someone else that they seemingly “loved”, it must be indicative of the pain which they experienced and carry with them still – and that compelled me to rather have compassion.
- their betrayal is not a reflection of you, however IT IS! It is a mirror in the sense that it might be a messenger or indicator of where you are still hurt. If their betrayal triggered an emotional response in you – something in you needs healing! In our relationships, our inner child is fighting with their inner child. This is no news to healers and psychologists. Hurt people, hurt people, that is how the generational cycles gets passed on.
- there are very few who can process pain of that magnitude on their own – it is very difficult not to loose your way in between the emotions and the voices and I have found without teachers and tools as anchors, I believe it is almost impossible to do on your own. I can only thank God for my guiding teachers who helped me when I really didn’t feel that I had it in me to go on with life.
What betrayal gave me:
Now that all is said (or not said) and done, I can say this: I was taught unconditional love, by those who loved me conditionally.
Even though it almost killed me the time, I can look back and see that I’m stronger and wiser for it. It freed me from a cycle of misplaced loyalty. I was constantly doing things for other people because I felt it was my duty and not because it was the right thing for them (or for me). It freed me from a cycle of enablement, it gave my relationships new depth and it gave me a newfound level of compassion for my clients.
“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.” Marie Oliver
I know that when a client visits me and their heart breaks open in a million pieces, I will not be sitting there with judgement about their decisions or to ask simply how they “feel” about it. I will be there to support them in taking their first brave steps towards peace and healing. I will remind them of their choices! I will encourage them to find out who they are and what power and authority they carry in this world.
I’ve had the honour of being modeled how to help someone out of the sea of sorrow. I know I can help, not only because I am qualified, but I’ve BEEN there, I lived and thrived through it!
If your heart was broken into pieces by someone else in the past, all I can say is: I have open, loving and warm arms and lots and lots AND LOTS of tea and tissues. I know how it feels be like the stupidest fool in the world for trusting and loving. I know what it feels like to get sucker punched on your left side from a person you didn’t even know were standing there. I know what it feels like to sit in disbelief and stare for hours at nothing – because nothing makes sense when that reality kicks in. I know what it feels like to come to terms with the finality of the situation. You know that even if they with some miraculous insight see what pain they caused, no conversation will ever carry the same innocence it previously did.
No amount of glue can stick together the pieces.
Yes we will experience betrayal……….. but we can heal from it, and start over WE CAN LEARN TO TRUST ANOTHER. You don’t have to be the victim for the rest of your life. And even if nothing your mind can justify what the other person did, the responsibility to heal and progress past this lesson is still yours. Finding peace for their soul and their karma is their responsibility, and its just your ego that wants justice. Our ego wants to see them suffer so that they can recognise the pain the caused. I have learn’t that thoughts like that will only end up hurting you more. The only way to walk out of any situation, is to allow yourself the time to mourn, allow yourself the process of sadness and then start new habits and preferably in a completely new environment.
When you are sick and tired of feeling sad and betrayed, take the first courageous steps to redirect the hurt and intent that was sent to you. Somehow in life, finding a way to redirect that pain into something for the greater good of humanity is the ultimate win. The universe will help you every step of the way, and if you reach out to someone – there will be a hand, a voice, a message and a person to help you through when you feel at your weakest. If betrayal is the arrow, then isolation is the cage(your own mind) that will keep you hostage. Self isolation is the biggest enemy of healing. If you are sick of the hurt and the pain – REACH OUT TO SOMEONE. Don’t try to carry the weight on your own.