The other day, a friend of mine and I were sitting next to the kitchen table with someone she recently met. They met online and they started seeing each other. Both single parents, it was really heartwarming to see how he interacted with her son and even she testified to how amazing he was as a partner but also as a father figure to her son.
I’ve been chatting to a couple of my single friends about the dating field these days, as the landscape has changed dramatically since I was last single and ready to mingle! I met the love of my life at age 21 we are married to this day. In my days you still picked partners up the old way: at work or at a bar! Nowadays the scenery has changed to online applications that do matching. What I hear is a lot of swiping left and right which leads you past the initial hurdles of only finding a match when there is a slow-moment, “universe and stars align moment” when you drop the banana in the grocery store and bump into Mr. Right.
She made a very interesting statement – she said that she decided to put it out straight in her bio section that she is looking for a father for her child. I have to admit that I LOVE THAT! She was straight and up front about what she wanted. And boy – did the universe deliver!
It made me think about why this was refreshing and not seemingly the norm? I realized that off course there must be some unwritten rule that woman could potentially “put someone off” and that a kid can be seen as extra responsibility. Off course for someone who is in the dating scene for not long-term reasons, this will be “off putting”. But my view on that is – move right on buddy!
Why should the parent who is actually taking responsibility for the child, be punished by people in society or the dating pool for having a child? Is she not entitled to start over in a fresh new relationship?
The reality is this: it doesn’t matter WHO the guy is and how much she is attracted to him – if he is not willing to accept, she is a mom with a responsibility towards her child, the relationship will not ever work in any case. Being honest and upfront about this can potentially save both parties a lot of time and heart ache!
We have been so conditioned by experiences from our past to hide what we truly feel or need. So many people don’t express how they truly feel and what they need. This causes so much pain and trauma in the long term.
Think about it – why can’t we be honest in relationships and say:
“I have a high sex drive and need a partner who can match that passion.”
“I am a caring mother to a 6-year-old and I am looking for a man who can love me and my son the way we deserve. We have double the love to give in return.”
“I want a partner who is caring and nurturing, who can cook me a nice plate of food and who can give me a soft hug when I need it.”
“I want someone to experience the joy of life with me while I heal from the hurt from my previous relationship”.
“I want a partner who can look after me emotionally, spiritually and financially”.
“I feel my emotions deeply and need someone who can help me calm my storms.”
“I struggle with feeling my emotions and would therefore love a partner who can help me see the world through different eyes.”
“I need a soft touch when I come home from a hard day’s work.”
“I want a man who can maintain the household while I work.”
or whatever version is true for what your needs are in a relationship. At least, at this moment for what you are aware of. The benefit of dating the second time around is for sure that you’ve hopefully learnt something about yourself in the previous round.
Imagine how different the world will be with radical honesty and where people are not shamed by others for expressing what they want? At least the person will know what they are in for and it will cut out a lot of mind games and pain. The person’s need is not going to change because they are hiding it from you at this moment – at least knowing it upfront. It will enable potential partners to consider those terms and/or to move on in their search for love, if they don’t feel it’s a fit.
It is time for us to come to open conversations about the hard topics. It is also time to let go of labelling people with things like:
“she comes with baggage”
“she has a big appetite”
“good luck with keeping that one satisfied”
“she/he will suck you dry financially”
“she is high maintenance”
“he is explosive/abusive or emotionally unstable”
These are all snidey remarks and harsh judgements out of context. It is not fair to you (who has to move on from your past hurts), your audience, or your ex who is trying to move on and build a new life.
Woman can have a high sex drive. Men can look for someone to nurture and support them. Woman can have their own career goals. Woman can want a man who is financially stable.
Being vulnerable is tough because we’ve been brutalized by people in the past. But being brave enough to express what you want has the reward that you may just very well attract/manifest exactly that!
Love and Moonlight, Leonie